The Personal Is Political

(Amending documentation as a transgender person)

Well, this was the last step. The Iowa Department of Transportation officially recognizes me as male. All of my documentation now identifies me correctly.

Despite my unenthused expression in the picture, this is a big moment worth celebrating. 

At the risk of raining on my own parade, this is also a moment worthy of social awareness. Getting all my documentation to identify me as male was an endeavor of safety. It was dangerous for me to exist in the world presenting one way, with documentation showing something different.

Every single time I walked in a public bathroom my heart raced as I remembered that "F" on my license.

I've battled regular anxiety attacks while driving around police. What would happen if I got pulled over and they read me as trans?

Every person I've spoken to about any sort of account I created before this past year has questioned my identity while reading "Ms. Brown" but speaking to and looking at me. Is it safe to tell the used car salesperson that I am trans? Is it easier to just not ever go back to the hair salon from 2 years ago? Should I switch my insurance to a new agent rather than explain my gender?

And every time I pull out my ID to walk into a bar or pick up a prescription, my safety and anonymity is at the mercy of the cultural competence of the bartender or Walgreens employee.

This is a beautiful marker of how far I have come and how hard I have worked to remain myself in the midst of a social wave hell bent on silencing me. I am proud of myself for standing up for who I am, but angry and tired that this must be an act of courage and survival. It shouldn't be.

I'm writing all of this because right now there's so much violence and oppression happening to all sorts of people and I know it's a coping mechanism to go numb. But please don't. We all have to look out for each other and remember that a lot of us are fighting for the basic right to exist. Celebrate, but keep fighting.

asherbrownmusic.com

New Song - "What Makes A Man" by Asher Brown

This song is called "What Makes A Man" and was written about my questions around masculinity as I transition.

facebook.com/asherbrownmusic

Seeing It

Last night I took a good long look at myself. I ran a bath with lavender, locked the bathroom door, kept the stark white overhead light on, and tried to sit with my own nakedness. This body of mine has been a source of unease since childhood. This body has been through a lot; the red indentation still outlining the binder I took off an hour ago. Compacting my chest until my ribs hurt, cramming childbearing hips into slim-fit, straight-leg men's jeans. This body and I have both hurt each other, let each other down.

The hormones are coming soon. I lean back into the lavender bubbles and imagine my body bathing in testosterone. "That's the best way I can explain it to you," the health worker said, "imagine your brain soaking in testosterone. T (testosterone) bathes your brain with new levels of hormones and your body reacts accordingly."

Underneath my masculine clothes, my body is still feminine. But not for long. I look at my foot, average-sized for a woman but small for a man. That won't change. My legs, try as I might, just look like I haven't shaved for awhile. That will change. My internal thoughts turn into a hum. Soon I'll be humming in a different octave.

I'm sitting with the silence of my own doubts and confidence, battling each other quietly. I am ready for this. I am scared for this. I am realizing it's okay to be both.

There's no way to test positive for transgender, no one way to be trans. I am peaceful and happier now that I am embracing my gender, this much I know. Still, I examine my body and try to "see it" in myself. I exist as a transgender person in a society of transphobia, and even the heaviest of armor won't protect me from a few hurts, won't shield off all the external transphobia from seeping in at times. But I don't "see it." I see myself. I have spent years scrutinizing my body and blaming my brain. What was I supposed to be? Is there a boy just below the surface of these curves? If my curves curve into a masculine shape, will that make me anymore the boy I was "supposed" to be?

No.

Hormones and surgeries don't make a person a gender. Society doesn't make someone a gender. Hell, I'm not even convinced gender exists at this point. There's no "seeing it" because there's nothing to see. Gender is self-determined. Gender is what we want it to be. I am a guy because that is my internal sense of truth. I am transitioning so that my internal compass may point north in my life.

-Asher

My dog Scully also did some self-reflection during this time.